Do I have a problem?

This is a question I hear all the time. Most of us at some point question if something we’re doing or an activity we’re engaged in is considered normal or have we crossed over into a problem.

People want to know: are my eating habits normal? Is the way I drink alcohol a warning sign? Is what’s going on with my partner typical?  These questions permeate almost any area of life.

Have you ever heard someone say “well I like to have sex, does that make me a sex addict” or “I do feel pretty down sometimes, does this mean I have depression?” Sometimes these questions arise with cultural trends. There seems to be an increase in ADHD awareness right now and with social media, we have access to so much information about the various symptoms And ways someone can experience ADHD (anyone else ever watch a TikTok and within 30 seconds they’re in crisis because they now know they’re fill in the blank?!?)

There are two parts to this answer, one is to listen to your gut while the other is to objectively look at the situation.

Listening to your gut

I firmly believe that as humans, our guts or our intuition give us quiet messages. It can be challenging to hear that voice and to trust that voice for a host of reasons (we’ll talk about those on another day). When questions about something pop into my mind or I make connections, I often trust that my intuition is trying to tell me something. For example, if I’m feeling like I might have hurt someone’s feelings I assume that my gut feeling is probably accurate and I should do what I can to make amends. Almost always my intuition knows more than I am concisely aware of. And worst-case scenario, there really aren’t any down sides to apologizing to someone and them letting you know that in fact, you hadn’t hurt their feelings.

So if you are questioning if your anxiety is a problem, for example, or to the point that it is a diagnosable disorder, trust that your intuition is speaking to you. Take the next steps to resolving the issue (see below).

Objectively look at the situation

Now as with everything in life, there needs to be balance. It is important not only listen to your inner voice but to also look at the facts. It is possible for our inner voice to be coming from a different place that doesn’t give us the true answer of what we need.

For example, someone who is using alcohol to ease the discomfort they feel when in a social environment may think “everyone was drinking, I didn’t even drink the most tonight” or “I only drink on weekends” or “well I’m not as bad as _____ who got a DUI last year”. The difficulty here is that your inner voice is speaking truth. But it’s also working to protect you from facing other possible truths as well.

It is helpful to consider the facts of your situation. Different subjects will have different considerations. Staying in line with the drinking example, is the amount of alcohol you’re drinking in alignment with your health values? How does it match up with the CDC recommends as healthy? (https://www.cdc.gov/alcohol/faqs.htm#:~:text=To%20reduce%20the%20risk%20of,days%20when%20alcohol%20is%20consumed. )

Signs it is a problem

In general, we can look at whether or not the behavior or symptom in general is causing distress or dysfunction. Essentially this means, is it actually a problem?

For example, feeling sad is not a problem in and of itself. In fact, is very healthy to be able to feel your feelings, even the ones that aren’t fun. However, it would likely be a problem if you were so sad often enough that it impacted your ability to do your job.

Drinking alcohol is not a problem itself. But risky behaviors such as driving drunk can be problem if you get into an accident, get a DUI, or have a partner who is upset in the unsafe choice you made.

What constitutes a problem for one person may not be a problem for another person as well. For example, some people can track their food intake and it’s a valuable tool to their health journey. Others may realize this is a symptom of their eating disorder

Someone may question if they have ADHD. The first thing I would ask them is “What problems is it causing in your life?”. Some people respond with statements about how it’s impacting their ability to get their school work done, they think it’s impacting their personal relationships, and now they are falling behind in school and lonely. There’s a problem here that can be helped. Some would say however “well it doesn’t hurt me. I just know I need to set alarms to remind myself”. In this case, it’s unlikely there is a problem that needs treatment because the client has already solved any previous problems with work arounds and they are functioning well.

Steps to take if you think it might be a problem.

These aren’t listed in a particular order, but ideas to consider.

    1.    Do some research on the subject. You could google the topic you’re concerned about or read popular books on the subject and see what resonates with you. You might realize that your experience is actually considered normal and nothing to be concerned about or you might get more insight into how that area is a problem for you.

    2.    Talk to your support system. Sometimes it’s hard to see things objectively but we can gain great insight through our friends and family members perspectives. This can be challenging and who you ask should be considered wisely. If you are questioning if your lack of patience is a problem as parent, look for someone you can ask that has witnessed you in the role of parent. Possible someone who is a parent themselves or someone whom you respect their parenting skills. Don’t ask your friend who gets black out drunk every night if your weekend drinking habit is a problem. We can pretty safely assume they won’t see a problem there.

    3.    Seek help from a professional. Depending on the topic, there is a professional out there who can guide you and help you determine if you have a problem, and if you do, what the next steps would be to fix it. For concerns about diet and exercise, you could talk to a dietician, a personal trainer, or a nutritionist. For addiction or other mental health matters, you could seek out a mental health professional. For concerns about your financial health, talk to a financial expert.

If you’re stuck and don’t know where to get help, that’s ok. Start somewhere. Many professionals are trained and ready to refer clients out to different services if they are a better fit. So, book an appointment with your best guess as to who can help you if you’re ready for professional help and see what happens. You can always change course or not book a second session!